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How to become resilient

How to create meaning and purpose and incredible resilience

“Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”

― Nelson Mandela

Have you wondered why some people seem to grow stronger when faced with traumatic situations while others seem unable to handle them at all? The ability to get back up and keep going when life runs you over is a trait called resilience. The capacity to be resilient is something you may be born with, however, it is also something that can be developed and strengthened.

When I think about resilience and my earliest experiences with it, one story, in particular, comes to mind. When I was a teenager growing up in Northern California, a local girl was kidnapped from her house during a slumber party. Everyone was on the lookout for the young Polly Klaas and the man who kidnapped her for months.

Unfortunately, when they found the man that did it, she had been horrifically murdered but her killer was brought to justice. Her father Mark Klaas, went on to start a foundation for kidnapped children and their families as well as playing a role in having legislation changed in the sentencing of violent crime. He became an advocate for victims of violent crime and turned a horrible tragedy into a life with meaning and purpose.

Viktor Frankel, a psychiatrist who was held in the concentration camp during World War II for three years, wrote what is considered one of the most influential books ever written, A Man’s Search For Meaning. Viktor noticed the difference between the people that survived the horrors of Auschwitz and those that didn’t, were the ones that survived found meaning and purpose in even the most horrific of circumstances.

How to create meaning and purpose and incredible resilience

When Freud stated the greatest motivator in man is the pursuit of pleasure, Frankl disagreed. Frankl believed that what people craved wasn’t pleasure, but a profound sense of purpose and meaning. And when someone can’t find meaning in life, they numb themselves with pleasure, like food, alcohol and sex, which doesn’t actually fulfil our need for meaning. And so the cycle continues, never satisfying what we are really hungry for…

Frankl said people could feel a deep sense of meaning in three ways:

Clear Roles, Goals and Ambitions – Humans need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. They need to know that in their heart that the world needs something from them. A person needs to feel helpful and significant, and that significance needs to be connected to specific tasks and if possible, tasks that only they can achieve. Are your roles, goals and ambitions clear?

Healthy Relationships – Healthy relationships are crucial to experiencing a life of meaning. Are your relationships healthy? How are you affecting other people and how are they affecting you? The reality is we learn more from our experiences with each other than we do from tv, books, or movies.  I find for most people, their relationships are their biggest source of pain. Most of us are not taught how to have a healthy relationship and therefore it’s essential to educate ourselves about relationships and invest time as well as money into improving them.

A  Viewpoint that Challenges and Suffering are Growth Experiences – Everyone experiences challenges and suffering. The urge to act like a victim is strong, but stopping to make a list of the many ways a misfortune may have also serve as a blessing, takes some of the pain out of our suffering. If we change our attitude toward suffering, we could even come to see it as something positive, that our pain was not in vain.

It’s not enough to simply accept adversity and push through it, with clenched teeth. Instead, a more profound transformation can happen when adverse events contribute to a greater meaning and purpose to life. The resilient person is the one who emerges from setbacks profoundly changed for the better.

Most importantly, resilience is built by connecting and helping others.

In times of stress, people are proven to become more caring, generous, and prepared to jeopardise their own well-being to protect others. Why would stressful events lead us to become more caring? From an evolutionary point of view, we have the responsibility to first and foremost protect our offspring. Think of a mama bear protecting her cubs, or a father risking his life running through a burning house to save his child. Tragedies can be when we are at our finest.

For many of us, our natural response to stressful events can make us social, brave, and smart. It can provide us with both the courage and hope we need to launch us into action. This response may have evolved to help us protect our offspring, but when you are in that state, your courage can help you through any challenge you may face.

Anytime you decide to help others, you initiate this state. Helping others triggers the biology of bravery and generates strength. If you are overwhelmed by stress or the suffering of others, the way to find strength is to connect with others, not run away. In any circumstance where you feel powerless, doing something to help others can help you maintain or re-establish your inner strength and optimism.

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Be Persuasive

How To Influence People And Be Persuasive

The art of persuasion. Some of us seem to naturally know how to ask and receive what we want from others and for the rest us of us; it’s pretty hit and miss. Researchers have been studying how to influence us to say “yes” to the requests of others for over 60 years. There is no doubt that there’s a science to how to persuade people, and a lot of the science is unexpected. Here are some tips to increase your influence on others to Jedi like abilities.

We will start with how to influence people you don’t know and then move on to persuading people you know already.

How To Influence People You’ve Never Met To See You In A Positive Light.

The number one thing you need to influence anyone, especially someone you’ve never met, is to create trust. We are constantly scanning every person we come across for friend or enemy signals without even consciously thinking about it. It’s hard-wired into our DNA as a safety mechanism to assess whether we can trust a new person or not.

There are straightforward body language messages you can give to help people instantly trust you and see you as a likeable person. This can also help you to realise how you come across to other people. You may be sending unfriendly messages to others without even realising it. People initially judge you more based on your body language than what you have to say, and some of us are conveying signals that we are untrustworthy without even knowing.

The Eyebrow Flash

The eyebrow flash is a quick less than a second raising and lowering of the eyebrows. Within 2 meters or less proximity of meeting any new person, we look for and give the signal to people to convey the message that we are not a threat. If we give an eyebrow flash to someone and they don’t reciprocate, we may instantly feel uncomfortable or rejected without even knowing why.

If you are interested in meeting or approaching someone, try sending them an eyebrow flash and see if they send one back. If they do, they are open to further contact with you, if not, I would move on, as they are probably not receptive to further interaction. Make sure your eyebrow movement is very quick, raising your eyebrows for longer periods of time and staring comes off as aggressive and creepy.

The Head Tilt      

Tilting your head to the right or left is another way of conveying that you trust the other person and are open to interaction. Tilting your head either side exposes your carotid artery on either side of your neck and shows that you do not pose any threat. People who tilt their heads perceived by others as more attractive and trustworthy. When you tilt your head towards the person you’re talking to, you are seen as more friendly, honest and kind compared to people who keep their heads upright when they talk.

If you want to present yourself is more dominant in a business situation, keep your head upright. However, if you are looking to connect with someone and be seen as trustworthy, make a conscious effort to tilt your head.

Smile

When you smile, you are perceived more attractive, confident, trustworthy, friendly and accepting than when you’re not. When you smile at others, this conveys acceptance and friendliness which makes the other person feel good about themselves and triggers them to smile back. You want to make sure it is a genuine smile that reaches your eyes – as a fake smile can be perceived as unfriendly and untrustworthy.

Mirroring

When you mirror or copy the body language of the person you’re interacting with, for instance crossing your arms, legs, holding your hands in the same position as the person you are talking to, this conveys trust and connection. Mirroring is what people do subconsciously without even realizing it when they like someone. When someone does not mirror another person they are interacting with, the person not being mirrored will subconsciously take this as an unfriendly response and feel uncomfortable with that person even though they may not realize why.

Keep Your Hands Where People Can See Them And Use Hand Gestures When You Speak

When researchers studied what makes TED talks go viral, they found people gave almost identical ratings to a seven second clip of a video with the sound off as people that watched the whole video with the sound on. They found the more a speaker used their hands to accentuate what they were saying, the more viral the talk.

Seeing someone’s hands is hardwired into our DNA in deciding whether or not we trust them. Think about what the first thing a cop says when they pull someone over. “Put your hands where I can see them!” Putting your hands behind your back or in your pockets kills the creation of trust and connection when meeting someone new. A good way to break the habit, is every time you put your hands in your pockets when meeting new people, say in your head “Psycho killer!”

How To Influence People You have Already Met.

Ask For A Favour (As Well As Give Favours)

Now I know this sounds counterintuitive, but when you ask someone for a favour, and they are able to do it, makes them feel good about themselves. This also opens up an opportunity for you to do favours for them, which opens the door for them to feel like they owe you something and more likely to say yes to your requests. One of the most powerful tools of influence there is – is the rule of reciprocation. This rule applies in every society on earth.

The universal law of reciprocity says that we should try to repay whatever another person has given us. If someone does us a favour, we should do a favour in return. If someone buys us a birthday present, we should remember their birthday with a gift as well. If someone invites us to a party, we feel obliged to invite them to one of ours. The rule of reciprocation works not only in your personal life but business as well.

Be Vulnerable

Being open with your feelings increases your likeability and influence. People will see you as being authentic when you admit to flaws and weaknesses. People find it easier to connect with you when you open up and are more likely to trust you and share their vulnerabilities as well which deepens the connection. When someone either refuses to be open with their vulnerabilities and direct with what they need help with, this causes others to instinctively resist helping them since the other person may feel like they’re being manipulated.

Give Compliments (To The Person You Are Trying To Influence’s Face Or Compliment Them To Other People)

The old saying flattery will get you everywhere definitely has an element of truth. Giving people compliments, as long as they are sincere, makes the receiver feel good as well as see the giver of the compliment in a more positive light. A compelling way of giving compliments is giving the person a compliment in front of them to others rather than to the person directly. This not only makes them feel good but also raises their social status in front of others.

This is a good technique to use on people like your boss, or others in a position of authority. Another way of achieving the same result without looking like you are trying to obviously suck up to the person is to compliment that person to others who you think would relay that information back to them.

Pick the biggest gossip you can find who talks to your target on a regular basis, or tell a group of people a positive story or compliment the person you’re trying to influence. The information is bound to get back to them, and they are much more likely to accept the compliments without feeling like you are trying to obviously suck up to them.

The key to influencing people is to be a genuinely good person. If you try to influence people to manipulate them or cause them harm – it will backfire on you. Being a genuinely kind, empathetic and caring person is probably the most powerful influence of all, and they are the best traits you can cultivate to have people respond to you in the way you desire.

 

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Psychic Superpowers

How To Have Psychic Superpowers

Psychic ability, intuition, gut feelings or natural instincts… Whatever you want to call it, we all have it to varying degrees. My great grandmother read tea leaves and people’s palms and could stop someone in their tracks with her infamous evil eye. She taught me to always trust your gut, and that psychic ability was similar to musical talent – some people are born tone deaf, and others can naturally carry a tune. Intuition, just like any other skill, can be developed and strengthened with practice.

Here Are My Top Tips To Develop Your Psychic Abilities:

  1. Ground Yourself

Before you start practicing it’s important to center yourself and ground your energy. A good way you can do this is by sitting in a chair with your feet flat on the ground, closing your eyes and taking a big deep breath. As you breathe out, imagine you can blow out any stress and tension out your lungs like black smoke.

Feel the bottom of your feet on the ground, and imagine that you have roots growing out of the bottom your feet and into the earth. Feel your calf muscles, your knees, your bum in the chair, your heart beating in your chest, and your lungs breathing in and out air. Take a moment to be truly present in your body.

If you want to take it to the next level, you can imagine a cord coming out of the base of your spine going right down to the centre of the earth. Imagine that any energy that doesn’t belong to you from any other person, any stress, any frustration, any anger or hurt is draining down that cord and dissipating. Next, imagine that cord detaching and going down to the centre of the earth so that none of the negative energy you’ve just released can reattach.

Now imagine a new cord coming out of the base your spine and going down into the earth, then visualise the Earth’s energy coming back up that cord into your body, recharging you and revitalising you. This visualisation is an excellent meditation to help centre youself, quiet your mind and turn down the noise of everyday life so that you can tune in more effectively.

  1. Practice With A Deck Of Cards.

This is a trick I learned for my grandmother. Take a deck of regular playing cards face down, and hold one up to your forehead and guess the colour. As you get better at guessing the colour, you can try guessing the suite or number. My grandmother could correctly guess the colour of 20 cards in a row. She always made me stop after 20 because she didn’t want to get one wrong. If you’re playing this game with another person, when you hold the card up to their forehead, try saying the color of the card in your mind and imagine you can send that color into the mind of the other person. It’s amazing how much this seems to affect the other person’s result in guessing the color correctly.

  1. Find Lost Objects By Colour.

One of my favourite techniques to find lost objects is to imagine you can attach a bright colour to the missing object, as if you are tying a balloon to it. Imagine you can look down from above and see where that colour pops up. I can remember reading about this technique in a book and telling a friend that I had found a missing piece of jewellery by using this technique. She replied, not looking convinced. “Well, my TV remote has been missing for three weeks, and I’ve torn the house apart looking for it. Try finding that.” We were standing in her lounge at the time, and I imagined tying up a bright pink balloon to her remote.

I immediately got a flash of pink behind a large painting that was hung low on the wall. I walked up to the painting, pulled it away from the wall so I could look behind it and there was her missing remote. I pulled it out from behind the painting and handed it to her with a smile on my face. She stood there looking completely gob-smacked, pointed her finger at me and said: “Oh my God, you’re a freak!” I replied laughing. “Yes, I am. I’m the freak who just found your missing remote.” This technique works for finding people as well as things.

  1. The Reading Screen Technique

From the centre of the inside of your head, with your eyes closed, imagine that you are looking out at a screen floating out in front of your forehead. Imagine what this screen looks like. It can be the size of a small TV screen or as big as a screen in a movie theater. You can activate your screen by imagining a button or a dial on it so that when you are ready to “turn on” to your intuition, you can press the on button or dial it up to a higher level. This works the other way as well, if you want to turn it down, possibly to go to sleep or around crowds of people, you can imagine turning off your screen or turning the dial down.

Now you can just be open to whatever comes up on the screen, or if you are struggling to “see” anything, you can imagine a flower or a tree and watch what happens to it as you ask questions. If you are trying to read a relationship between two people, imagine two flowers or trees (one for each person) and watch what they do. It’s incredible what kind of information you get through these simple visualisations.

We are all psychic to some degree.

We are all born with instincts and our subconscious mind, as well as our bodies, are constantly reading our environments and the people around us to keep ourselves safe. How many times have you had a gut feeling telling you something was wrong or not to do something and when you ignored it, things turned out badly?

The way I look at it, it’s like we are all our own radio station, sending out energy and information into our environment. And if other people tune into the right frequency, they can pick up on that information. You can’t see radio waves or Wi-Fi, but we know it’s there. Psychic information is exactly the same.

I believe your intuition is one of the most important skills you should work on improving. I know for myself, it has saved my life on more than one occasion, and kept me from going down paths that would’ve been detrimental in the end. The stronger your intuition, the easier it will be to stay safe, make good decisions and ultimately live your best life.

caroline cranshaw
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Best Supplements

The Top Supplements You Can Take For Your Health

Part 1

If you’ve ever been a client of mine or have more than a five-minute conversation with me, you will know I’m pretty much obsessed with supplements. I have researched and used myself as a guinea pig with supplements most of my life. Now after working with thousands of clients as a health coach helping people overcome their health issues, I have figured out which supplements are truly beneficial and which ones are a waste of money. My favourite site which has the best prices I’ve ever seen is https://iherb.com.

Supplements For General Health

Vitamin D – The deficiency of Vitamin D has substantial medical and psychological consequences. A recent Norwegian study concludes that a normal amount of vitamin D reduces the risk of death by 30 percent in people with cardiovascular disease. Every tissue in the body has vitamin D receptors, including the brain, heart, immune system and muscles, which means vitamin D is needed at every level for the body to function

Vitamin D deficiency weakens the immune system and increases the risk of diabetes type I and 2, cancer and heart disease. Vitamin D affects over 1,000 different genes and is a building block for sex hormones like estrogen, human growth hormone, and testosterone. It boosts immune function and lowers inflammation. It assists in calcium metabolism and bone formation.

Vitamin D activates the genes that release dopamine and serotonin which are chemicals important for preventing depression, ADHD, and addiction. So make sure you get at least 15 – 20 minutes of sun a day or take a vitamin D-3 supplement.

Dosage: Vitamin D 1000ui daily for every 11 kilos or 25 pounds of total body weight so if you weigh 68 kgs, take 6000 ui a day.

People with darker skin don’t convert sunlight into vitamin D as quickly as lighter skinned people. If you’re darker-skinned, a safe bet is 1,500 IU for every 11 kilos or 25 pounds of body weight.

Vitamin C – is a water-soluble vitamin that works to sustain the health of the body’s connective tissue as well as performing as an antioxidant. Your body does not make vitamin C on its own, and it doesn’t store it. So, it’s essential that you take supplemental vitamin C. The benefits of vitamin C include boosting your immune system, balancing blood sugar, supporting your adrenals, it lowers stress hormones as well as giving you protection against cancer, heart disease, prenatal health issues, eye disease and premature aging.

Vitamin C is needed to convert into several neurotransmitters that, in turn, make up our adrenal and thyroid hormones and neurotransmitters, like dopamine and melatonin. These hormones help to regulate your metabolism, increase focus, and boost your ability to cope with stress, relax and sleep.

Dosage: Vitamin C – 1000 to 2000mgs a day maintenance dose and if ill up to 8000 mg of Vitamin C a day.

If you are a woman, it’s important to take vitamin C with bioflavonoids or rosehips, otherwise vitamin C on its own can lower your progesterone levels.

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Magnesium – Magnesium is an important mineral for proper nerve function. It calms the nervous system and helps relieve stress. Deficiency symptoms include anxiety, heart arrhythmias, headaches, restless legs, insomnia, muscle cramps, nausea, and migraines just to name a few. It’s also associated with heart and lung disease, diabetes, asthma and PMS. Magnesium is also essential for normal lung function. It acts as a bronchodilator, which allows for easier breathing.

Almost everyone is deficient in magnesium and due to soil depletion and modern farming practices, it’s nearly impossible to get sufficient magnesium from your diet alone. I believe everyone should supplement with magnesium.

Dosage: Magnesium – 200 mg to 400 mg, 2 times a day, with or without food. I recommend one of the doses before bed to help with sleep. If you have restless legs, I recommend taking the ionic form of magnesium for the best result. 

Addictions, Anxiety and Energy

Anxiety

L-Theanine – Is an amino acid found in green tea increases levels of GABA within the brain, increases the production of alpha brainwaves, as well as boosting focus and mental clarity. Study show that l-theanine is useful in the treatment of anxiety due to its ability to calm the nervous system, counteracting the toxic effects of stress as well as improving sleep. I also highly recommend taking a B-Complex for any one with anxiety and depression.

Dosage: 200-400 mg before breakfast and mid-afternoon for anxiety and stress.

B Complex – B vitamins help to calm and regulate the nervous system while decreasing fatigue and stress. B Vitamins are shown to lower the amino acid homocysteine, which increases brain shrinkage and may be a cause of developing Alzheimer’s. It even seems that B vitamins can decrease brain shrinkage by up to 53%, and when combined with Omega-3’s show a 70% decrease in the rate of brain shrinkage. And we all know that shrinkage isn’t good…

Your body uses more B vitamins when you are under stress and they are the building blocks for your neurotransmitters, preventing addictions, depression, anxiety, lack of focus and binge eating. If you take anti-depressants, the pill, or drink alcohol, your b vitamins will be deficient.

Dosage: B-50 Complex – 1 with breakfast and if deficient or stressed another 1 with lunch.

I also recommend taking individual B vitamins that you feel would benefit you the most, but always take a B-complex as well, because they work in conjunction with each other. Also, studies have shown that any long-term use of one B vitamin can cause a deficiency in another. So, I repeat: always take a B-Complex.

Vitamin B-3 (Niacin or Niacinamide) – I do believe that Vitamin B-3 (Niacin or Niacinamide) is one of the most important supplements you can take when it comes to treating addiction. Niacinamide is amazing for reducing alcohol and nicotine cravings and boosts GABA, a chemical that helps you relax so it’s also good for anxiety. Niacinamide is also one of the best supplements you can take for your skin as it reduces acne, is anti-aging and it lowers your risk of skin cancer.

Vitamin B-3 used to be part of the original Alcoholics Anonymous protocol, and is one of the things that Bill W, cofounder of AA credits with getting and keeping him sober for good.

Dosage: Vitamin B-3 – Niacinamide (the non-flushing form of niacin) 500 mg to 1000 mg with breakfast and lunch.

You can take Niacin (the flushing form of Vitamin B-3) 50 mg with breakfast and lunch, however most people experience a red skin flushing that tingles for about 20 to 30 minutes after.

Vitamin B-6 (Pyridoxine): Helps regulate the nervous system and produce the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin. B-6 is important for the control of anxiety, depression, fatigue, irritability, infertility, PMS and mood swings. B-6 helps to process fats and proteins, helps to control cravings, weight gain and balances hormones. A must for hormonal teenagers, women and anyone trying to get pregnant or on the birth control pill.

Dosage: 50 – 100mg a day of the co-enzyme P5P form of B6 with food a day.

B-12 (Cobalmin): B-12 is vital for sustaining energy levels in the body and it’s estimated that at least 40% of the population is deficient. B-12 also helps to decrease cellular damage, helps maintain a healthy digestive system, protects against heart disease by decreasing and improving unhealthy cholesterol levels, protecting against high blood pressure and strokes.

It’s essential for healthy hair, skin, and nails. It helps in boosting iron levels, cell generation and the renewal of the skin. B-12 helps protect against cancers including breast, colon, lung, and prostate cancer. Smokers, drinkers, and vegetarians tend to be deficient in B-12.

Dosage: 4000-6000 mg a day of the methylcobalamin or hydroxocobalamin form of B-12

Mood Boosters, Focus and Cravings

L-Tyrosine – is an amino acid that is the building block for dopamine. It‘s also a precursor to thyroid hormones, so therefore useful to increase low energy levels, boost alertness, as an appetite suppressant, thyroid function and to increase sexual desire. Tyrosine also helps with cigarette, sugar and carb cravings, motivation, mood swings, weight loss, and focus.

Dosage: 1000mg before breakfast and mid-afternoon, empty stomach, no food for 15 minutes after.

L-Phenylalanine – is also a precursor to dopamine as well as many other important neurotransmitters. It’s a natural mood booster and antidepressant, curbs sugar and stimulant cravings, helps in controlling pain, particularly arthritis and is used to help treat Parkinson’s disease. If you are addicted to diet drinks or artificial sweetners, you are probably craving the l-phenylalanine that is added to them to make you feel good.

L-Phenylalanine also helps forms another energizing brain chemical called PEA (phenylethylamine), (also found in chocolate) which is believed to be the chemical most responsible for feelings of euphoria. Yeah baby!

Dosage: 1000mg before breakfast and mid-afternoon, empty stomach, no food for 15 minutes after.

(Do not take L-Tyrosine or L-Phenylalanine if you are suffering from high blood pressure, PKU or melanoma.)

Joint Pain

Now when it comes to joint pain I’ve tried pretty much every supplement there is. After a head-on car collision and breaking more bones than I can count, I developed arthritis and had chronic pain for years. I tried everything glucosamine, krill oil, green lip muscle extract and too many others to remember. The two supplements that actually worked are:

5-Lox Inhibitor with ApresFlex – A type of boswellia extract that is more easily absorbable to effectively reduce inflammation and pain in the body. I take it every day, and if I stop within a week I am back in pain.

Dosage: if you’re in chronic pain, take 1 in the morning and 1 at night until out of pain and then 1 before bed as a maintenance dose.

MSM – is rich in organic sulphur, an important ‘building block’ for healthy bones, tendons, hair, nails, skin and joints, and it’s very beneficial for your immune system. MSM is a must for anyone with arthritis. MSM was the first supplement I ever tried that actually worked for joint pain after years of trying everything else. A friend of mine was taking it who looks around 10 years younger than she actually is. When I asked her what it was, she told me it was amazing for your skin, hair and nails so of course I hopped onto iherb.com and bought it that day.

The MSM label said joint support, I remember thinking. “Yeah right, that won’t work for me.” Within two weeks, I was completely out of pain. I have told more people than I can count about MSM, and they have all said it works miracles. You want to start on a lower dose as MSM also detoxes your body of heavy metals, so if you take too much at the start you can get sick from the toxins your body releases.

Dosage: 1500 mg for 3 days, then 3000 mg a day for 3 days, then 4500 mg a day until pain free, then drop back down to 3000 mg a day for maintenance.

Constipation    

MagO7 – If you get ever constipated, my favorite supplement ever is MagO7, Oxygenating Digestive System Cleanser by Aerobic Life. Over time undigested food and waste can build up in the intestinal tract and colon, which can be a perfect breeding ground for harmful bacteria. Mag O7 Oxygen Cleanse works to break down and remove old debris out of your intestines and bowel. It also targets the harmful bacteria, while magnesium works to soften the intestinal build up and remove unwanted waste.

Dosage: Mag07 – Start with 3 pills at night, and if that doesn’t do trick, try 4 or 5 the next night. You can take it anytime if you are close to a toilet, I personally take 2 or 3 a night as a maintenance dose.

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Get Over Your Phobias

How Get Over Your Fears and Phobias  

 And Stop Letting Them Hold You Back

Fears and phobias, oh my… We all have at least one thing that scares the crap out of us. There’s the typical fears like the dentist, sharks, flying, heights, and public speaking, to the less common – like the fear of driving on motorways or bridges, the fear of vomiting, using a public toilet, crowds, birds and clowns. Our fears can become so all-consuming that they rule our lives and how we live it.

To understand phobias, I think it’s important to understand the basics of the conscious and subconscious minds. You have a conscious mind that can think freely and create new ideas. Then there’s the subconscious mind, which is a super computer loaded with an operating system with programs for our behaviors and responses, and it’s in control, and on automatic pilot 95% of the time.

The subconscious mind records everything that happens to you and makes programs out those experiences. Your subconscious also controls your involuntary bodily functions, like your breathing, your heart beating, and your digestion just to name a few.

The subconscious mind does not move outside of its fixed programs. It reacts automatically to situations with its recorded behavior responses and it works without the control or knowledge of the conscious mind. This is why we tend to behave without thinking and respond in ways we consciously don’t want to.

So, when you have a negative experience and experience fear or trauma, your subconscious creates a program to avoid that situation at all costs. It will trigger your nervous system into the flight/or flight response as a way to keep you safe.

When your mind perceives a threat, it sends signals which stimulate your whole body to get ready for either a fight or to run away (flight). It then triggers the adrenal glands, located on top of the kidneys, to pour out steroids, stress hormones: cortisol and adrenaline and hundreds of other chemicals to fuel the body to give it more energy to fight or run away.

This chemical response is like injecting three shots of espresso straight into your bloodstream and the logical part of your mind shuts down waking up the more primitive reptilian part of your brain that only cares about survival.

The question is: how do we overcome our fears, so they don’t ruin our life or hold us back?

My favourite technique to get rid of phobias and irrational fears – is a NLP (neuro-linguistic-programming) technique called The Rewind Technique or the Fast Phobia Cure. I first came across this technique when I was training in NLP. The instructor told us he could get rid of any phobia within 10 minutes and I laughed out loud. I had a terrible fear of driving on a one-lane winding road after having a head-on car accident with a truck, both of us going around 80kms/hr. I was severely injured and had to learn to walk again.

As I sat in this class listening to this man tell us he could get rid of any phobia in just a few minutes, I was skeptical, to say the least. My phobia was so bad, I had to take valium if I needed to be driven on any road that was the slightest bit rural and I would still have a panic attack even with the anti-anxiety drugs. I announced to the class that there is no way that was possible in my case, as my phobia was so severe.

He laughed and said, “Perfect guinea pig, come on up.” He asked me on a scale of 1-10, one being I am completely calm about driving on a winding road and ten being I would feel like I was dying if I had to do it. I was at a 7-8 when I thought about it. He explained to me that my subconscious mind recorded everything that happened and created playlists and programs out of them. So, every time I even thought of driving on a winding road, my subconscious would remember my accident and play every memory of when I felt anxious in the car in a millisecond, and this would trigger a flight or fight response.

Then he had me close my eyes, imagine a screen in front of me and told me to see whatever memories were linked to my anxiety around driving like an old home movie. At the same time to also imagine that there are monkeys, clowns and cartoon characters dancing around, superimposed over the memories, while circus music played in the background making the memories as silly, and as ridiculous as possible.

He had me rewind and fast forward the memories, making the memories blurry and scrambled. He then had me watch the screen float off in the distance until it was a tiny little speck, then watch it explode into a million little pieces and then blow away in the wind. This visualisation is like putting a scratch in the record or corrupting the program that it was unsafe for me to drive on roads similar to the one I had my accident on. By corrupting these memories, it would make it hard for my mind to have the negative associations with driving.

Afterwards, he asked me again how I felt about driving on winding roads, I said fine, but I’m not on one at the moment, so I can’t tell if it worked (I was a terrible example for him), but it felt like a 1 or 2 now.

To my surprise, a few weeks later, I was with a friend who had to drop something off, and she started driving on the very road I had my accident on, and to my utter shock, I was fine, completely neutral. I remember thinking to myself, oh yeah, I used to get anxious when on any roads like this. Just a silly visualisation and my fear was gone!

I was blown away and have now used this technique to erase my paralysing fear of public speaking, flying, driving, praying mantis’s (long story). I have also used it with thousands of clients, and it still amazes me with how quickly and effectively it works. This technique has changed my life, and I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t come across it.

We all have old programs our subconscious mind has created to keep us safe, but in fact, are holding us back which needs updating. Imagine how well your phone or computer would work if you had never updated the software? And how much happier you would be without fear holding you back? Just like our devices need updating, so do our minds.

If you are interested in clearing your fears and phobias with this technique, I recommend going to a hypnotherapist who has trained in NLP and The Rewind Technique since you want someone experienced to guide through you through any trauma.

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Is Hypnosis for You?

Why Hypnosis Will Change Your Life

Hypnosis. The very word brings to mind, images of strange bearded men, swinging watches, making people ‘cluck’ like chickens and eat onions like an apple. I first became interested in hypnosis when I was ten years old and I read a book on the topic. I told everyone who would listen that when I grew up, I was going to be a hypnotherapist. I certainly got some strange looks. I would even hypnotize my friends to do silly things at sleepovers, I was so obsessed, but as time went on, I dismissed hypnosis as a silly childhood fixation.

It wasn’t until I had a head-on car crash in my twenties and visualised myself healing from my terrible injuries – and it working way beyond what I and the doctors believed possible, did I consider it a career possibility again. I went on to study hypnotherapy, even though everyone told me it was a bad idea, that hypnotherapists don’t make any money and it was weird to want to hypnotize people…

And you know what? Studying hypnotherapy is honestly the best thing I have ever done and has been my passion ever since! I am so passionate about the art and science of hypnotherapy that I now train people to become hypnotherapists.

Using hypnosis techniques changed my life. I quit smoking, lost weight, overcame my addiction to sugar and unhealthy food, became moderate with alcohol, overcame procrastination and self-sabotage, conquered low self-esteem, became confident within myself, learned to enjoy public speaking, learned to control and be free of anxiety. These are just a few issues I have overcome with the help of hypnotherapy.

Book an Appointment with Caroline

Unfortunately, hypnosis and hypnotists have long been portrayed in a negative light by television, films and other forms of media. As a hypnotherapist, I personally can’t stand stage hypnosis. I think it makes a mockery of an amazing tool. I truly believe hypnosis, or guided visualization as I like to call it, will change your life and is the most powerful tool you can use to make positive changes.

Many people have been led to believe that hypnosis is something freaky, weird or involves someone trying to control you. You also may have been led to believe that you aren’t in control of yourself during the process – that while under hypnosis, you are unconscious and unaware of your surroundings. These and other misconceptions could not be further from the truth. People can only be hypnotized if they are willing to be. Your subconscious will reject any suggestion that is against your morals so you are always in control.

The other day while listening to the radio, I heard the radio hosts asking “What secret would you tell under hypnosis, that you wouldn’t tell otherwise?” I was surprised to hear that this belief is still a common misconception. People can lie under hypnosis and will not do anything that they are uncomfortable with. They will also disregard any statements suggested that does not co-align with their belief systems.

So, what is hypnosis? At times, it’s easier to describe hypnosis by explaining what it is not. It’s not sleeping. It’s not being unconscious or unaware. It’s not giving up your control. Hypnosis is a natural phenomenon we all access every day, when you first wake up, while watching TV, reading a good book, Facebooking, surfing the net and when drifting off to sleep.

To understand how hypnosis works, I think it’s important to understand the basics of the conscious and subconscious minds. You have a conscious mind that can think freely and create new ideas. Then there’s the subconscious mind, which is a super computer loaded with an operating system with programs for our behaviours and responses. The subconscious mind also controls your involuntary bodily functions, like your breathing, your heart beating, and your digestion just to name a few.

The subconscious mind does not move outside of its fixed programs. It reacts automatically to situations with its recorded behaviour responses and it works without the control or knowledge of the conscious mind. This is why we tend to behave without thinking and respond in ways we consciously don’t want to.

Imagine if you hadn’t updated the software on your computer or phone since you bought it. They would be running some pretty outdated programs. We invest in updating our wardrobes, cars, furniture and homes, but not our minds…

Take smoking, for example; people consciously know that cigarettes aren’t good for them, but they smoke them anyway. This is a classic example of a conflict between your conscious and subconscious mind. Your conscious mind is logical however the subconscious mind is running on automatic pilot, 95% of the time.

The conscious mind processes around 50 bits of information per second compared to the subconscious mind which processes 11 million bits of data per second. So, the unconscious mind is estimated to be 220,000 times more powerful than the conscious mind, and it’s the unconscious mind which determines how we live our life.

Our life, and how we live it, is a direct reflection of our unconscious programming. The job of the subconscious is to create reality out of its programs, to prove the program is true. We can have many blocking beliefs at a subconscious level that stop us from achieving our goals, even if consciously we really want to succeed in achieving them.

For example, if your parents smoked – you would have a program in your unconscious mind that adults smoke. Or one that believes that if you quit smoking, you will gain weight, not be as fun or cool. Or one that states that it will be uncomfortable to go out socially and hang out with your friends that smoke.

A hypnotherapist or hypnosis recordings help you to enter that relaxed state at a deeper level by giving you suggestions to relax your body and quiet your mind. By doing this, your brainwaves slow down, your subconscious is opened, and it becomes easier to visualize the changes you want to make and the goals you would like to achieve.

The subconscious thinks in pictures and processes things visually, for example your dreams. When you tell it not to do something like smoke or eat crap food, it doesn’t really get it. However, if you show it in pictures why you shouldn’t do those things, it suddenly understands.

Since your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between truth and fiction, everything you tell yourself personally, your subconscious tries to make true. We all have beliefs we reaffirm to ourselves every day like “I will never be able to quit smoking,” “I will always be overweight,” “I am terrible at public speaking,” “I’m not good enough, smart enough, or will ever make enough money.”

Whatever you tell yourself, your subconscious mind believes and goes about helping you to create situations which reflect those beliefs. The quickest and most effective way to transform beliefs is through hypnosis, which changes them on the level which beliefs are held. What do you have to lose?

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Hypnotherapy Training

Integrative Hypnotherapy Training Institute

Coming To Auckland July 2018

 

New Zealand’s latest cutting-edge Clinical Hypnotherapy and NLP Training Institute founded by Caroline Cranshaw, top hypnotherapist, coach and trainer. Sign up here for updates and information about our upcoming courses in Clinical Hypnotherapy, Coaching, Modern Psychology and NLP starting in July 2018 in Auckland, New Zealand and online.

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Dealing With Difficult People

Six Tips for Dealing With Difficult People

Ah, the holidays. Nothing like some family time, after an incredibly stressful lead-up, to bring out our most intense white-knuckled anxiety or murderous rage. My parents divorced when I was three, and both remarried several times, so it wasn’t unusual to go to three or more houses on the major holidays.

My family was like many others as some of them were highly educated and successful, others I wouldn’t be surprised to see on an episode of Cops. I have found when it comes to issues with family dramas, personality disorders and addictions, the level of intelligence and socioeconomic status doesn’t seem to be a factor.

Even seemingly balanced people will regress back to a whining child or snarly teenager within a few minutes of a family visit. There was always drama no matter what house I went to but as a result, I have become an expert on how to deal with difficult people, without committing murder…

Here are my best tips for coping with people who drive you crazy, with your sanity intact.

1. Don’t go

Seriously, if someone drives you completely insane, just stay home. You do have a choice and if you don’t want to do something or see someone, don’t do it. Saying no to going to certain events or only going every other year has been one of the most freeing things I have ever done. I can’t count how many clients I’ve had who have been in an absolute panic about going to another Christmas or family event and having to sit across from the family member who molested them or abused them in some horrible way. You don’t have to spend time with people who have hurt you or that you really don’t want to be around, full stop. You have the right to say no to anything you find traumatic.

2. Look at going to a family function as an anthropological experiment

Go along as an observer and watch the dynamics as if you watching an indigenous tribe. See where the dysfunctional patterns come from and what everyone’s role is, even yours. If you don’t like how you behave or are triggered with family, use this knowledge to write your New Year’s Resolutions and to help you change yourself into a better, more aware version of you. We are all a character in our family drama, and you can change the part you play at any time.

3. Be honest and don’t tolerate bad behaviour

You teach people how to treat you, and if you are allowing people to treat you badly, it’s going to keep happening. My grandmother had a Rat Terrier/Chihuahua cross rescue dog, named Lily that was the most horribly behaved dog I have ever come across. She snarled, bit anyone who tried to touch her, chased cats and barked constantly. Walking her was like trying to walk a rabid gremlin. My grandmother would lovingly pat and praise her whenever she misbehaved, saying all poor little Lily needed was love.

When my grandmother died, we thought we were going to have to put her down, since she was such a nightmare. To my utter shock, my father volunteered to take her. My father has always had cats and seemed to dislike dogs as much as his former mother-in-law, the owner of Lily.

When I went to visit them a week after dropping the little monster off, I could not believe my eyes. Lily was now the most perfectly behaved dog I had ever seen. My father just winked at me and said “It’s amazing what a rolled piece of newspaper and a loud ‘No!’ can do. I don’t tolerate bad behaviour, Caroline. You should know that. You just say no and wait for the tantrum to pass. Worked with you.” People do what they know they can get away with.

Things you can say in response to bad behaviour:

  • Wow, are you having a bad day?
  • That was hurtful and not very nice. I’m going to walk away now.
  • It’s not okay to talk to me like that, don’t do it again.
  • I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. Can you repeat that?
  • Well, I think we’ve reached the end of this conversation.
  • Ouch. Did you mean to be that rude?
  • Wait a minute. There must be something wrong with my ears. Did you actually just say….
  • Hang, on. Can you do that again? I want to get my camera out so I can put this on Youtube.
  • Hmm, maybe you should go talk to them about it and sort it out instead of bitching to me.

4. Say nothing and just stare at the person

Just because someone throws some sh*t at you, doesn’t mean you need to pick it up and rub it all over yourself and throw some back. Saying nothing but staring at them straight in the eye, puts it all back on them. This technique is one of my favourites because it works so well. And then just shake your head and walk away. It’s amazing how quickly people backpedal and feel like a total arse without you having to say a word.

5. Psych them out

Now, this what I use with more unstable family members who are causing a disturbance. When my grandmother was on her deathbed and the family was gathered around, my schizophrenic/bi-polar aunt decided this was a good time to talk about how she is so tired because her flatmate likes to have loud anal sex all night. My poor grandmother was in a coma but started flopping around like a fish, obviously distressed by what she was hearing. My aunt then started yelling at my grandmother “Go to the light, Jesus is waiting for you! I want my inheritance.” She then proceeded to list all things she was going to buy with the money.

I knew from experience that my aunt only escalated her behaviour if you told her to stop, so I thought of another approach. I looked at her with a very concerned expression and asked if she was feeling okay. She replied, “Yes, I’m fine. Why?” I told her she looked very pale and asked again if she was sick since she looked like she was about to pass out. She sat down looking worried and said: “Actually, now that you mention it, I don’t feel very good.” I acted very concerned and told her she needed to lie down, she looked very unwell, and she should go back to her hotel. She agreed to be taken to her hotel and left us so my grandmother could pass in peace. One of the easiest way to get rid of a psycho without a fight…

6. Forgive yourself if you lose it

Now we are all doing our best, but sometimes you may act like an idiot when your buttons get pushed. I consider myself very self-aware and good at conflict resolution, but sometimes I still lose the plot. Right before the US presidential election, my partner’s colleague invited us to a dinner party. When we arrived, they informed us that there was an American couple coming for dinner, and we should have lots in common since I’m American as well.

The couple arrived, seemed very nice and once we were seated at dinner, the conversation turned to the upcoming election. The American couple were big fans of Mr Trump, and my partner looked at me with fear in his eyes as while he didn’t like the Republican candidate, he knew my dislike was on par with Hitler and I’m always up for a political debate.

The poor hosts looked on in horror as the evening progressed into a drunken two-hour argument, cumulating with me trying to throttle the male Trump fan and threatening that I was going to hypnotize him to have a limp dick for the rest of life. His wife was trying to pull me off while screaming “Don’t you put that evil on me voodoo woman!” My partner dragged me out, apologising profusely.

Am I proud of my behaviour? No way. Do I drink less at dinner parties and agree to disagree instead of making everyone uncomfortable by having a screaming match with someone who will never agree with me? Definitely. Do I have a great story to tell for years to come, even though it makes me look like a psycho? Absolutely. Some of the best stories come from things going wrong, so know that even if things go pear-shaped, you will have a great story you can laugh about later.

Know that the only person you can control is yourself, and decide how you are going to behave ahead of time. Try to not have any expectation and relax. Expect to be triggered by your family, and this will help you to identify and clear your own issues. As well as bringing presents, try to be present and breathe…
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The Female Orgasm

Good things come to those who feel good…

If you are the owner of a vagina or are lucky enough to have regular access to one, I hope said vagina is having frequent orgasms. I believe that it is a woman’s birthright to have earth shattering, whole-body shaking, screaming orgasms. On a regular basis.

Sadly, many women haven’t yet actualized their sexual potential. As a hypnotherapist, I see women every week in my office, telling me about how they can’t have an orgasm through penetrative sex when they are with a partner or have never even had an orgasm. I know that this represents only a small number of the seriously under-pleasured women out there. I believe this is an epidemic of horrific proportions and women need to be empowered to own their pleasure and, in turn, their orgasms.

Women’s bodies possess a clitoris, an organ that has 8,000 nerve endings dedicated to pleasure. 8,000! The head of the penis only has half of that. Women’s bodies are meant for pleasure and their capacity for orgasms are far greater than men’s.

They estimate only 25% of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone, which some scientists now believe is due to where the clitoris is placed. Women who can orgasm through penetrative sex without direct clitoral stimulation tend to have a clitoris that is set lower and, therefore, receives more stimulation during sex.

Most studies show that men orgasm on average 90-95% of the time during sex, whereas women are orgasming on average 50-60% percent of the time.

However, if you ask men how often their partner is having orgasms, they answer 85% percent of the time. So, either some men can’t tell if a woman has had an orgasm, or women are faking it…

Unfortunately, from my own experience and from what women tell me, I think a lot of women are faking it. This needs to stop, like now. You will never teach someone how to make you scream, if you are putting on an Oscar-winning performance. I believe porn and movies like “50 Shades of Grey” have a lot to answer for, as well. These types of movies are making men think women need hardly any foreplay. Also, they are making women feel inadequate, for not having instant orgasms from being thrown on the bed and a minute of vigorous thrusting.

Men think that since penetration feels so good for them, it must feel as just as good for women. Expecting a woman to orgasm through penetration alone, is like expecting a man to orgasm by only touching his testicles and the base of his penis. Some men could do it, but not many.

When I ask women what stops them from having orgasms, the most common answers are: not being able to let go, not feeling confident with their body, not enough foreplay, not enough clitoral stimulation or not the right kind of clitoral stimulation.

Notice how they are not saying anything about penis size or how long a man lasts in bed?

So, how can you have more orgasms, better orgasms or have orgasms at all.

  • Learn to love your body and most importantly your vagina, pussy, who-ha, vajayjay, punani or whatever you want to call it. If referring to your genitalia freaks you out, you have some work to do, sweetheart.

Women have been made to feel ashamed of their genitals, the source of all life. I believe as a woman, when you love, accept and embrace this part of your body, you will claim not only your sexual potential but your true source of power.

Complement this part of you, tell her she is amazing, beautiful and delicious. She’s starved for it. When you connect with this part of you, you will feel your confidence and charisma grow. And men, one of the best things you can do for your partner is tell her how much you love this part of her.

  • Learn what you like. Do you know exactly what works for you sexually? Do you tell and show your partner what works for you?

Most women are initially so worried about their bodies and how they look in bed, that they are not able to relax and let go of their inhibitions sexually. If you don’t know what you like, how can you teach someone else what does it for you? Take the time to explore your body and what type of touch works for you.

It is also important to give your partner signals with what’s working and what’s not, by how you respond to what they are doing. We tend to develop patterns with how we respond sexually to our partners, with how much we talk and guide our partners to do what feels good for us. It can be hard to change this dynamic in a relationship, since many of us don’t want to “ruin the mood” or risk offending our partners. Here’s the thing, men are dying to get us off! I have yet to meet a man who didn’t care whether or not he was pleasing his partner.

Deep breathing also helps. Women tend to hold their breath or breathe shallowly which can inhibit orgasm.

Tell your partner what feels good for you with moans and words of encouragement and don’t respond when it’s not working. If you are in pain, let them know immediately!

  • Try saying “It feels amazing when you do _______.”

  • Placing someone’s hand over yours, while you touch yourself is a great way to teach them what you like.

  • Ask them what they like. Tell them you want to please them. Saying “How about I go down on you, try different things and you tell me what’s just okay, what’s better and what’s amazing?” This opens up the conversation for them to ask you what you like as well.

Having an orgasm can be like trying to remember a name. The harder you try, the more it alludes you. Once you relax and stop trying so hard it suddenly comes to you.

  • If you are trying to help a woman have an orgasm, tell them “‘It doesn’t matter if you have an orgasm or not, let’s just have fun. I love touching you and giving you pleasure. Just relax and let me do this for you.”

Taking the pressure to have an orgasm off really helps a woman relax and let go.

  • If you have never had an orgasm or have trouble having an orgasm with a partner, buy a vibrator. I cannot stress this enough.

A bullet vibrator is good and a plugin magic wand is guaranteed to work. A lot of women find using a bullet vibrator on their clitoris during sex makes a huge difference. The vibrator was actually invented by a doctor to treat women’s “hysteria.” Look it up. For hundreds of years, doctors believed many women suffered from a condition called hysteria caused by a wondering womb. They complained to doctors of anxiety, anger, erotic fantasies, insomnia, irritability, a feeling of heaviness in the pelvic area, and wetness between the legs.

Basically, they were a bunch of sexually frustrated women. The treatment was to be given a pelvic massage by your doctor to stimulate a “hysterical paroxysm” essentially, an orgasm, which supposedly restored the woman back to health.

Giving pelvic massages was a routine part of a doctor’s day, however, as the medical journals of the time document, it was boring, exhausting and time consuming work. Hence the vibrator was invented and almost every western doctor had one in his office. Once the personal vibrator was invented, women could treat their hysteria in their own home and it ceased to be a medical condition.

Taking ownership of your sexual satisfaction is one of the most empowering things you can do. There is nothing wrong with your body or your sexual desires. Learn to release the shame that is holding you back with your body and sexuality. There are so many great resources, books, coaches and therapists out there that can help you do it and in turn transform all areas of your life. It’s so ohhhhooooo yes, worth it.

Check out these websites and books to get you started.

https://www.omgyes.com

http://kimanami.com/

https://onetaste.us/

http://www.mamagenas.com/

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski Ph.D

Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World    By Regena Thomashauer

Pussy: A Reclamation     By Regena Thomashauer