How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Become Magnetic
Overcoming Social Anxiety: My Personal Journey
Do you or someone you know struggle with social anxiety? The thought of going to a party or social event used to cause me so much anxiety; I would become physically sick and try to come up with any excuse I could think of to get out of it.
The Road to Social Confidence
Social confidence is something I had to work very hard to learn myself as I was not a naturally self-confident person. The good news is confidence; the ability to be relaxed and connect in social situations can be learned and built upon.
Understanding the Root of Social Anxiety
I find most of the time, social anxiety at its core is the fear of being judged and rejected.
I was convinced that people were going to think all these horrible things about me and not want to talk to me.
I would drink too much to try to cover my nerves or act indifferent and awkward. As a result, people steered clear of me. This just confirmed all the horrible things I believed about myself and my anxiety about meeting new people escalated.
First Impressions: More than Just Looks
People make judgments about you and whether they will like you within seconds of meeting you. Your body language, style, tone of voice and words tell people a lot more about you than you may realise.
The Art of Genuine Connection
Years ago, a friend of mine invited me out for drinks with a group of friends of hers. They were all lovely, friendly women. My friend points out one of the women in the group and says, “She is amazing with men, you watch.”
I was quite surprised as this woman, in particular, was overweight, in her mid-forties and not what you would call traditionally beautiful. However, she dressed feminine, had nicely styled hair and makeup as well as an aura of confidence.
I watched this woman over the evening, and I have never seen anyone pick up so many men in my life. Every time she went to the bar, she came back with an adoring man, most of them at least ten years her junior and great looking.
By the end of the evening, we had a crowd of men around us, all of them vying for her attention. A male friend of mine had joined us for a drink and had chatted to her as well. I could see him staring at her smiling.
I asked what he thought of her, and he said: “Wow, she’s lovely.” With a dreamy look on his face. This was coming from a guy who typically dated fitness models in their 20’s. Fascinated, I asked what it was about her that he found so attractive.
He replied, “She looked at me with such approval in her eyes. She complimented my outfit and said my style was unique and I must be a fascinating and eclectic person. It’s like she saw me exactly how I like to see myself and how I want people to see me. Without saying it, I felt like she thought I was awesome.”
The Power of Acceptance and Connection
That was a huge lesson for me. I realised that accepting yourself and in turn approving and accepting the people you meet is the key to connection.
People react to how you make them feel, not whether or not you are the hottest, fittest, most successful person in the room.
One of the biggest tips I can give you is to be interested in other people.
Tell them the positive observations about them that pop into your head. We all think these things but don’t say it.
Practical Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety
So, how do you project confidence and easily connect with others, get over social anxiety and stop giving a crap about what people think?
1. Understand that rejection isn’t real.
You will never be happy if you base your self-worth on whether or not people like you. There are only people that you connect with, and people you don’t. The biggest lesson I have learned in life is not everybody is going to like you, and that’s okay. Some of the reasons why people don’t like you are completely out of your control.
You may remind them of someone who bullied them in school; their parents may have been judgemental of people that looked like you or you may display traits that they don’t like about themselves, so they judge you more harshly as a result. If someone doesn’t react to you in a positive way, it says more about them than you. Move on and talk to someone else.
2. Start a practice of self-love.
Most of us talk to ourselves like someone we can’t stand. We say things that we would never say to anyone else, and if someone close to us told us the horrible things we say to ourselves, we would never talk to them again. We are having an abusive relationship with ourselves. It’s hard to feel confident when you are telling yourself; you are a horrible piece of crap every day.
You are the most important person in your life; you will be with yourself for every moment until the day you die. You are the one person that will never leave you, and the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. We all crave love and acceptance, and it’s crazy that we expect it from other people but refuse to give it to ourselves.
The remarkable part is when we love ourselves, we radiate from within, and people are naturally attracted to us. Start a mantra of saying “I love myself” every day, several times a day.
Whenever you start to say something negative, replace it with ‘I love myself.’ You will be amazed at the changes. An excellent book on the topic is: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It by Kamal Ravikant.
3. Borrow someone’s confidence to increase your own.
This is one of my favourite techniques. Think of someone who has the confidence you desire. It can be someone you know. It can be someone famous you admire. Imagine stepping into their body and feeling how you would feel if you had their confidence. How would you walk, talk and hold yourself if you were that person? You can listen to a confidence visualisation on youtube here.
Or even make up an alter ego that’s confident. Now I’m not saying you need to start acting like an entirely different person, however, that’s why a lot of actors got into the business since they wanted to learn how to act confident.
Pretending as if you are someone else who has incredible confidence helps you to develop the skill of being confident which is something that most of us need to learn.
4. Trick your body into feeling confident.
How you hold yourself affects how you feel. If you are slumped over with a grumpy look, you feel like crap. If you smile, your body registers the muscles at your eyes and mouth and signals to your brain to calm down and produce endorphins. Our brain is like a bartender, and through our thoughts and actions, we can influence what type of drinks it makes.
Before any social event, tell yourself “I’m excited! This is going to be amazing!” Put your hands up in the air and act like you have just won an Olympic medal. Anxiety and excitement are very closely related. By telling yourself you’re excited, your brain will make more dopamine and endorphins, which make you feel good.
We have fantastic feel good chemicals we can release at will. The pharmaceutical companies can’t manufacture anything as powerful as what we have on tap.
It’s up to you to decide your own self-worth; everyone else will accept what you decide it to be. Stop making assumptions about what other people may think. As my grandmother used to say, “What other people think about you is none of your business.”
Your assumption of what people might think is distorted by your own beliefs. There is only one of you in this world; no one else has the amazing combination that makes up you. As soon as you realise it, everyone else will too.
Seeking Solutions for Social Anxiety in Auckland
While many navigate the treacherous waters of social anxiety on their own, seeking professional assistance can make a profound difference.
For those in New Zealand, especially in the Auckland region, there are several options to consider. An anxiety therapist can provide tailored strategies to combat these feelings, while an anxiety hypnotherapist delves deeper, accessing the subconscious mind to uncover root causes and triggers.
Caroline Cranshaw: Expert in Hypnotherapy for Anxiety
Caroline Cranshaw stands out as a beacon of hope for many. Recognised as one of the top hypnotherapists and hypnotherapy teachers in Auckland, her approach combines years of experience with a deep understanding of the intricacies of social anxiety. Undergoing hypnosis for anxiety with Caroline provides a unique avenue for healing, offering clients transformative experiences.
Exploring Hypnosis Therapy in Auckland
The realm of hypnotherapy is vast and diverse, yet the importance of choosing a qualified hypnotherapist cannot be overstated. For those new to the world of hypnosis therapy, Auckland offers a plethora of opportunities to explore its benefits. Hypnotherapists in Auckland are well-versed in techniques that provide relief from various forms of anxiety. When selecting an online or Auckland hypnotherapy clinic, it’s paramount to ensure the practitioners have the requisite skills and understanding.
Whether you’re considering trying out hypnotherapy for the first time or seeking a seasoned professional to continue your journey, New Zealand is home to several renowned experts in the field. Anxiety in NZ is a challenge many face, but with the right resources, achieving a balanced mental state is within reach.